I'm just saying

Days go by, and while i'm trying to convince myself to think as positively as i possibly can, there are days that are just too tough for even the most positive minded guy.

i followed a friend to a house visit that probably saw no reason as to why i should have gone but i went anyhow. Her student, who previously was mine as well until this year, lost his dad. as much as i hate it, shit does happen and as his mom, goes through this trying period, her two young sons are oblivious to the happenings that surround them, with one who might never truly understand what happened.

In events such as this, i try to put up this straight face but the overwhelming feeling of being so conscious of how i look and address the matter causes me to to build up a laugh that may appear on my lips at the most inappropriate moment... such as when the discussion grows heavy and people start crying.

I just get uncomfortable when people start getting all teary and I'm expected to do something... like hug them or tell them every thing's fine...when it probably isn't going to be. I don't think I'm heartless or anything and I've comforted friends who needed me there. Perhaps because my first reaction is not to start crying with them or tell them tomorrow is going to be better (when we both know it's not), that people appreciate my lending of my ears and inappropriate advices and jokes.

I guess it just matters sometimes to have a laugh when everything seems hopeless. Didn't people document that laughter produces endorphins? One thinks better when they are happier.

I've always guarded my emotions around people I'm not too close to; masking away pain to prevent myself from getting hurt. I suppose I learn to believe that it's just easier to play the emotionless bitch... besides, sometimes when you laugh at the problems you face you realize that it really isn't that big a deal and yes...

we can pull through it.

we're just built that way.